*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
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Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.