*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
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a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
this was very charming
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.