Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.