Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
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It hurts my feelings when people call me a failure. I’d rather people think of me as successfully challenged.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15