I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
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Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.