Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
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You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.