@007Rex_Inc

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

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@HeyJohnDuke

“First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

@FatuousFloozy

Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you’re interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say “spaghetti”

@TheAlexNevil

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

@lustgIoss

Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

@not_delicate

husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?

me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?

husband: Well for starters, I’m David.

@junejuly12

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

@rolldiggity

1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him

@TheRolo

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!