*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
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I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Lmao
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
lmfao come on
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.