“First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
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Women love a man that can cook, tell a lady you’re interested in that youll cook anything their heart desires. And pray they say “spaghetti”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?
me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?
husband: Well for starters, I’m David.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!