[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
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A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”