Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
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“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Seek kebab; not attention
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.