@DeadLioness

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

@Contwixt

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

@Ahm76

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

@Jake_Vig

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

@mdob11

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

@Seinfeld2000

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

@SCbchbum

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

@BBQJones28

Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.

@TheBoydP

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

@AmishPornStar1

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.