Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
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4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
greetings!
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.