Running your mouth is not cardio.
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore