* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.