@amishschool

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

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@youngestneil

I bet parents get annoyed when their kids ask “are we there yet?” when they’re fully aware they now live in a car

@tsm560

Her: I’m putting you in the dead zone

Me: Lol you mean the friend zone

Her: No

@FussySaffa

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

@inojperez

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

@hippieswordfish

You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter

@Marlebean

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

@bestestname

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

@Jake_Vig

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

@jabbins

Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man