@AimeeHelene1

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

@amydillon

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

@dxblarssonENG

Teenage daughter called me an old fart.

We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.

@SamDeLanche

Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.

@ArfMeasures

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

@DaHess1

You say drug dealer.

I say astute, urban entrepreneur embracing the booming chemical escapism market.

@MelvinofYork

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)