Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
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THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
Me: *Turns router back on*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Teenage daughter called me an old fart.
We both laughed and then I changed the password to our wifi.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
You say drug dealer.
I say astute, urban entrepreneur embracing the booming chemical escapism market.
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)