*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
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Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
💯😂
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.