*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that