@Darlainky

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

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@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

@iamMunga

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

@GonzoVice

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

@anhonestmess

A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

@WheelTod

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

@mikealfredcaine

shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog

@robfee

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.