[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
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Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
happy valentine’s day to me
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Was it something I said?