@Abusitron

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

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@DBMaxP

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

@scawn_

Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat

@shopkins776

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

@UncleDuke1969

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

@envydatropic

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

@Up2Long

Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying “I’m stalking you” was much funnier in my head.

@iinkedZombie

Me: I don’t feel like driving home.

5: I’ll drive.

Me: You’re not old enough yet.

5: and my feet won’t reach the pedals.

Me: And that.

@JihadPizza

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.