*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
You Might Also Like
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Well, shit
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Hey I worked for it too!
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.