I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
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Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat
I bought six pet carrots a couple weeks ago, and already four have died.
There there password. I don’t think you’re weak.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying “I’m stalking you” was much funnier in my head.
Me: I don’t feel like driving home.
5: I’ll drive.
Me: You’re not old enough yet.
5: and my feet won’t reach the pedals.
Me: And that.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.