@OlBigBear

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

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@AGStr8upNinja

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

@EndhooS

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

@djdarrellripley

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

@murrman5

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

@ch000ch

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 30 you should have

1. $100 in your account

2. a knee pain

3. anxiety

4. back pain

@SatansTongue

*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey*
NO!
*smacks it out of her hand*
“I want to color!”
ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
“But daddy-”
DON’T CALL ME THAT

@fro_vo

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

@iscoff

It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane