*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*

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My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.


One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.


[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up


I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman’s purse.


Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”


I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.


WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man


The light at the end of the tunnel better be a damn computer screen


Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.