[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
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When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Note to self: always read the final line
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.