[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”