@MrEd_EVH

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

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@TheToddWilliams

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

@Shade510

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

@JediGigi

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

@DepressedDarth

All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn’t miss the target every time he shoots.

@PaulyMosh

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

@thatdutchperson

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.