@MrEd_EVH

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

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@pungodly

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@sweetmomissa

Aragorn: “You have my sword.”

Legolas: “And my bow.”

Gimli: “And my axe.”

Me: “And my children, all of them – ok at least just one. Wait, where are you all going?”

@TheMichaelRock

The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.

@JakeAupperle

Cashier: Cute kid, how old?
Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What’s my total?
Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes.

#cashierlife

@JimmerThatisAll

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

@leslid79

1. Change last name to Crunch.
2. Join the military.
3. Work my way up to Captain.
4. Become Captain Crunch.
5. WIN LIFE

@EJGomez

[slams on the brakes]
WHAT DO YOU MEAN LINDSAY LOHAN PLAYED BOTH TWINS IN THE PARENT TRAP