BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Sure sex is great, but have you ever had the house to yourself?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn’t miss the target every time he shoots.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.