*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing