[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
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Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang