[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
the Monday after daylight savings
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Bike for sale
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone