@NicestHippo

*runs into restaurant*
IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?
“I’m a doctor”
Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I’m very poor

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@avainwordland

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

@DurtMcHurtt

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

@simoncholland

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

@OctopusCaveman

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

@SlothSlouch

Me *floating through the endless void of outer space*: Ugh, I feel crowded

@RodLacroix

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

@RodLacroix

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

@FrenulumBreve

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

@Traceykemp8

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend