@NicestHippo

*runs into restaurant*
IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?
“I’m a doctor”
Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I’m very poor

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@MarlonBrandNO

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

@SaltyCorpse

Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.

My son eats ketchup on his tacos.

I win.

@Donna_McCoy

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

@alldrolledup

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

@IamEveryDayPpl

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

@goulden_eye

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.