*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
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My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
won’t smith
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.