*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
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Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight