[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
*pronounces patio like ratio
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.