[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.