@nbadag

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

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@Snarfernini

Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?

@EJT___

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

@isabelzawtun

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

@Divergentmama

Me: maybe I should turn on the news

[17 seconds later]

Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned

@CrisMtzgr

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

@parker287

My friend’s crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat’s litter box, they’re not that good.

@hell_homer

words are just a big scam. they all just mean other words. so you keep on using even more and more words. that’s how they get you.

@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

@gregmania

accidentally summoned a demon at IKEA by trying to pronounce the names of the furniture