Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
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Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
shawn: [yawns] I’m tired
shaun: [yauns] me too
sean: [yeans] and me
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”