@nbadag

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

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@sarabellab123

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

@cameronrbrown

Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.

@MooseAllain

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

@NikkiReimer

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

@LarrysTwin99

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

@obiwankesnowbi

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

@Rad_Lemur

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

@0point5twins

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”