@fuzzlime
@realHamOnWry
I tried S/M once, and ended up with a dominatrix who was unusually cruel. Instead of using a whip she would make me do fractions in my head.
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@realHamOnWry
@caithuls
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
@ArfMeasures
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
@RunOldMan
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
@funnybeachgirl
*eats entire box of Triscuits*
*poops out a wicker chaise lounge*
@Woody_B_
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
@induct
Hannah is single for a reason
@Pork_Chop_Hair
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
@CabetoMejia
From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings
@_youhadonejob1
Drunk octopus…
