If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
The best plant holders?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?