(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
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{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
*skinny dips into black hole
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse