Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

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I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]


I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!


*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*

*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*


“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves


[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page


Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.


Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”


STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.


About to finish my second book of the day!

And when I say book, I really mean magazine.

And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.