@MelvinofYork: Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
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@mattZillaaaa: *changes voicemail recording to "your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
@WGladstone: My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.
@: The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
@CommonSavant: *First Date* Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy. Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*
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