@MelvinofYork

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

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@MsSkaarsgard

Me: Omg $6 for a pair or socks? That’s bloody outrageous.

Also me: $400 for my hair done? Sure, that sounds fine.

@brianbooone

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

@NickLMao1

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

@notxzibit

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

@FatherWithTwins

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

@JohnLyonTweets

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

@Divergentmama

My husband leaves town for a week: see ya!

I leave town for a week: here’s the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.

@ReneeHooray

Playboy’s decision to keep models clothed comes weeks after McDonald’s decision to serve breakfast all day.