@MelvinofYork: Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
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@007Pepe_Rex: [At the Grand Canyon] Me: I L o v e T h i s P l a c e [ECHO] [ECHO] GC: Let's just be friends
@smilely_gal: If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
@AndyAsAdjective: 7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings "so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket," what's he mean? ME: he's a NASA scientist
@Megatronic13: Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing Me: ok T: you see seagulls flying in the distance. there are so many of them & they are getting closer uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos Me: NO