Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
You Might Also Like
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.