Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
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I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.