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@JediGigi

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

@KyleMcDowell86

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

@trevso_electric

One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.

@Steelers1972

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

@notalogin

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

@KylePlantEmoji

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

@batkaren

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.