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@4SLars

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

@davidkenny100

“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache

@dafloydsta

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

@wendchymes

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

@iAmDelFreaky

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

@JediGigi

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped