day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
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If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My typo game is string.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.