You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
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[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.