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@rockymomax

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

@SteveKoehler22

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

@1Happytwit

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

@CulturedRuffian

I bet we’d have to say ‘The steaks are pretty high’ if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.

@jazmasta

if ur date declines a kiss at the end of the night open ur mouth and let the ants escape. Then say “it’s ok I had a mouthful of ants anyway”

@audipenny

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

@notmythirdrodeo

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

@MUMSIEesq

Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon

@StumpWoodley

The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.

@AudreyPorne

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell