Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
You Might Also Like
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
$3 #books
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.