[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
is this a threat
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident