@Amusitr0n Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
@toomanycommas3 Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.
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@Amusitr0n 
@SortaBad Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
@BoozeWallet [at gym]
me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]
cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying
@B1gBrainsMcGee “I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
@CulturedRuffian [INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
@mattgallo123 “I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
@RdrJay47 “She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
@PinkCamoTO Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
@OrangeFact ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
@SmithWit He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.