@toomanycommas3

Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

@brianbowman73

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

@Freudianscript

Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.

@Dutch_50

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

@LeBearGirdle

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@DirtMcTurd

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet