“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”