Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
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Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said