@toomanycommas3

Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.

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@Amusitr0n

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

@SortaBad

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

@BoozeWallet

[at gym]

me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]

cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying

@B1gBrainsMcGee

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

@CulturedRuffian

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

@mattgallo123

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

@PinkCamoTO

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

@OrangeFact

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

@SmithWit

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.