WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
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Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid