Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.