Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
#CoronaOutbreak
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.