Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Girlfriend: I鈥檓 breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn鈥檛 warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you鈥檙e talking about
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She鈥檚 a hamster now.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
*pays $2100 to have 17鈥檚 wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 馃檨 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Let鈥檚 take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn鈥檛 workout yesterday and now you鈥檝e gained 35 pounds.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
ME: Give up, man. She鈥檚 not coming back.
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