Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
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Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.