@mrjohndarby
@TheRealPalMal
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
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@TheRealPalMal
@donni
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
@iamburtjarvis
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
@nice_mustard
endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
@sofarrsogud
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
@aissalanis
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
@RtrJan
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
@NewDadNotes
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
@ConanOBrien
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
@ObviousOstrich
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.