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I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.


Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head


Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy


My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.


Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.


team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love


If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.


“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”