@mrjohndarby
@BunAndLeggings
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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@BunAndLeggings
@DrakeGatsby
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
@envydatropic
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
@MamaFizzles
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
@ElgatoEsmio
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
@MNateShyamalan
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
@FRANKSTALICIOUS
Loneliness can make you do some strange people.
@ScottLinnen
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
@trevso_electric
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
@ThatBrenna
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.