@mrjohndarby

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@BunAndLeggings

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

@DrakeGatsby

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

@envydatropic

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

@MamaFizzles

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

@ElgatoEsmio

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

@MNateShyamalan

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

@ScottLinnen

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

@trevso_electric

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”