*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
dam girl
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what