Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
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WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?