Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
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“How stressed are you?”
Me:
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.