i have one speed and it’s mosey
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A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*