@bourgeoisalien

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

You Might Also Like

@feelmesucka

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

@astutenewf

Whenever I’m behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte

@Henry_3000

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

@Betfairpoker

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

@WhoCuppedMyCake

If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints.
Like a toaster in a bathtub.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

@FunkyFresh_79

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

@julezmac

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

@TylerLinkin

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.