I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants.
Because we shouldn’t eat the things that make oxygen.
Your move Vegans
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Are we done? Can we go?
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.
Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’