Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

You Might Also Like


Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.


Whenever I’m behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte


Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.


I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.


If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints.
Like a toaster in a bathtub.


Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.


Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing


Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no


Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.