Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.