casual sex implies that there is ranked competitive sex
Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.
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Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*