My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve
Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.
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Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?