@SaraMansford

Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.

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@UnFitz

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

@ilovepie84

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

@notthenanny

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

@Sean_Burgundy_

All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”

@robdelaney

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

@GrantTanaka

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

@slimmy_shady

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*