Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.

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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and


Coca-cola should make a Coca-cola flavored candy cane and call it a Coke Cane.


Today I have been sober for 100 days.

Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.


I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon


*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*


*lays in bed for 12 hours

I guess I’ll get up now

*walks over to couch & lays down


How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?


Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.


The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.


relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return