Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
i actually laughed 😩
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.