@SaraMansford

Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.

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@o__0Dev

My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve

@SardonicTart

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

@ericsshadow

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

@a_olivia4212

A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it

@cravin4

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

@Stellacopter

*hears noise downstairs
*wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first

@djdarrellripley

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

@therichards5

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?